When Is It Enough

Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. (Augestine wrote in his Confessions.) I read this statement in The Captivating and it's so true. I have been in tears since Saturday night and praying to God to please show me a sign that this is the end or the tears mean it's not over. I don't give up on much, well when it comes to relationships. I will put my entire life on hold to make sure a relationship even friendships remain in tact. I guess this shows that I put more value in relationships versus other things and that's okay but where is the moderate line to be drawn? I married at 19 and I was head over heels for this man and I'll love him until they release my ashes. When I vowed to marry him (both times, yes I married him twice) I vowed to be his forever because to me that's what being a wife is all about. We tried so hard to make our marriage work that it was bleeding from all sides when it ended. I made so many sacrifices to make sure this man had everything he needed to feel whole, meantime I was dying a slow soulful death. I am still processing the fact that my marriage to him did not work but one thing I know is that I'm a healthier woman today by deciding to walk away and not go back to the physical and verbal abuse that I allowed. Here I am almost 2 years later and ending another relationship. This time is so much harder because the man is everything I ever wanted but the woman that used to love with her whole heart can find the trust and strength to do so. I really thought I could love someone again as I did my first husband but for some reason my rapped heart can't find the energy to do so. I spend most of my days just trying to get through the work day. My desire for life, family, friends, fitness and time with God have left me. The last sentence above says it all, when the things that make me soul complete are no longer flowing through my soul, that's when it's enough. Once again I have to raise my flag and move on to the next venture in life. I am not looking for my next love. I honestly do not want to focus on another relationship until my soul foundation is whole again. It does not happen over night and this I know. I just really want to treat myself like a good book and dive into me and lose my self in the adventures that rest in my soul.

Share Time 12:42 am Dec 10th

I had to share this as I wanted each of you to get a sample of the book I’m reading. I’m having a bit of hard time right now and I always do this time of year. It’s truly bitter sweet and I know I’m not the only one. I am reading Captivating ~ Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. "This is not to say that life is one big romantic moment with Jesus. I live life much like yours – full of demands, pressures, and disappointments. Right now the laundry is going, all the dishes are dirty, there is no food for lunch, and the boys are bored with summer vacation. Like you, there are seasons in my life when Jesus seems very near and seasons where I can’t seem to find him at all. Sometimes it feels like we’re playing a game of hide-and-seek but he’s got all the best hiding places staked out. All relationships ebb and flow. The ebbing is to draw our hearts out in deeper longing. In the times of emptiness, an open heart notices. What are you feeling? Like a lonely girl missing her daddy (yes Gypsy is at this very moment). Like a teenage young woman feeling completely invisible, unseen? (Gypsy has been there too) Often God allows these feelings to surface to help us go back to times when we have felt like this before. Notice also what you want to do – how you handle your heart. Are you shutting down in anger (Gypsy is shutting down but only from certain people in her life and a lil to anger) Turning to food (actually Gypsy lost 5 lbs today cause I can’t eat and has been battling her weight since her return to the dirty south). Turning to others? (Gypsy did that today when a friend of mine called until I answered, and thank goodness she did!)We are not alone ladies and there is even a book to help us at least make a dent in our titanium walls that we think are protecting us, note to Gypsy these walls are hurting you! I do lean to God on this area of my life but sometimes I need it in simple terms and this book does a wonderful job, very easy read!

This Time of Year

Wow, what a year. I have moved out, stayed single for about 6 months and now "lance" and I are dating and live together again. It's been a lot better this go round. I feel like my house is actually mine. I feel a lot of freedom inside but there is still pain.

This time of year always brings pain even though it's a joyous time of year. This is my father and grandmother's favorite time of year but they are no longer with us. Tears pour down my face, thoughts rape my mind, and to top it all off I'm feel like I'm getting a cold.

There is still something inside of me that wants out that feels like it's captive and yet I don't know how to release it. I'll be 35 soon and I yearn to be a mother and yet I have no children. The older I get the more I worry about this dream coming true.

I have let my health go and that's not like me. I am pretty sure I have an eating disorder. I catch myself eating just to see how much I can eat before getting sick. I'm still 150 lbs and at 5'1 that's not good!

I just don't know will my heart ever really be repaired after the one i made my vows to broke it, squeezed it dry and then waved it like a flag..........

Another Day 3.7

Well I have lost 7 pounds this week. My eating habits have not changed but I worked out 6 days straight. That part of my life is stable and I'm happy with it. Today I had therapy to help me figure out why I'm so closed off to a man that does nothing but love and adore me. The very thing that I thought was hindering wax exposed through my tears by a stranger. I'm still wounded from the end of my 13 year marriage. I did not end the marriage because I did not love "Seth" but because Seth would close me out and physically and mentally abuse me. The sad thing is I never thought choking, pushing and throwing cold water on someone was abuse but it was. It took him head-butting me and busting a blood vessel in my leg for me to figure out I have to get the hell out of here. So yes I have some deep wounds to heal. The wounds opened old wounds from my childhood abuse but I would never wish for another childhood. I'm glad my parents were strict just wish maybe they were not so harsh with their spankings. I have never truly been on my own. I have put so many dreams on hold for my ex-husband that I just have this fire inside me that needs to burn bright. I feel that if I stay with "Lance" the woman I am to be will not exist but only a puppet. The sad thing is I'm not the woman he wants. He wants a woman that makes him her everything, that loves him with all her heart and has no needs other than him. That's so not me in this day and age. This might have been me years ago but I am so worn out from the past 13 years that I have nothing left to offer but my brokenness. I need some alone time with God. I have faith, I have hope and I love. "Lance" is very upset with me and said some mean things tonight when I expressed that I needed space (I have said this to him every other week so I understand that he feels like I'm stringing him along but he talks his way back into my heart and I cave in) but I allowed him to say these things as I know its anger from me breaking his heart. I never thought of myself as a heart-breaker but I guess at one point in time we all have the ability to be something we never imagined even if it’s a bad something.

Day 1

This will be short and sweet. I needed a place to type my thoughts as writing them is not easy for me. I deleted my space account today and I have a sense of freedom by doing so. I am in a battle and it's with me. I'm trying to recover from the end of a 13 year marriage and the beginning of what I know is the life I want to live. I know that my happiness harvests within me. I know if I am sad I can only change that by choosing to be happy. Most of my pain is self-inflicted and I'm not sure why I do it. Currently I am hopeful, PMS'ING, 150 lbs., spring cleaning and making changes. I feel like I can make the next step and allow what God has planned for me. I know He only has great things in store for me!