This Time of Year

Wow, what a year. I have moved out, stayed single for about 6 months and now "lance" and I are dating and live together again. It's been a lot better this go round. I feel like my house is actually mine. I feel a lot of freedom inside but there is still pain.

This time of year always brings pain even though it's a joyous time of year. This is my father and grandmother's favorite time of year but they are no longer with us. Tears pour down my face, thoughts rape my mind, and to top it all off I'm feel like I'm getting a cold.

There is still something inside of me that wants out that feels like it's captive and yet I don't know how to release it. I'll be 35 soon and I yearn to be a mother and yet I have no children. The older I get the more I worry about this dream coming true.

I have let my health go and that's not like me. I am pretty sure I have an eating disorder. I catch myself eating just to see how much I can eat before getting sick. I'm still 150 lbs and at 5'1 that's not good!

I just don't know will my heart ever really be repaired after the one i made my vows to broke it, squeezed it dry and then waved it like a flag..........