Another Day 3.7

Well I have lost 7 pounds this week. My eating habits have not changed but I worked out 6 days straight. That part of my life is stable and I'm happy with it. Today I had therapy to help me figure out why I'm so closed off to a man that does nothing but love and adore me. The very thing that I thought was hindering wax exposed through my tears by a stranger. I'm still wounded from the end of my 13 year marriage. I did not end the marriage because I did not love "Seth" but because Seth would close me out and physically and mentally abuse me. The sad thing is I never thought choking, pushing and throwing cold water on someone was abuse but it was. It took him head-butting me and busting a blood vessel in my leg for me to figure out I have to get the hell out of here. So yes I have some deep wounds to heal. The wounds opened old wounds from my childhood abuse but I would never wish for another childhood. I'm glad my parents were strict just wish maybe they were not so harsh with their spankings. I have never truly been on my own. I have put so many dreams on hold for my ex-husband that I just have this fire inside me that needs to burn bright. I feel that if I stay with "Lance" the woman I am to be will not exist but only a puppet. The sad thing is I'm not the woman he wants. He wants a woman that makes him her everything, that loves him with all her heart and has no needs other than him. That's so not me in this day and age. This might have been me years ago but I am so worn out from the past 13 years that I have nothing left to offer but my brokenness. I need some alone time with God. I have faith, I have hope and I love. "Lance" is very upset with me and said some mean things tonight when I expressed that I needed space (I have said this to him every other week so I understand that he feels like I'm stringing him along but he talks his way back into my heart and I cave in) but I allowed him to say these things as I know its anger from me breaking his heart. I never thought of myself as a heart-breaker but I guess at one point in time we all have the ability to be something we never imagined even if it’s a bad something.

Day 1

This will be short and sweet. I needed a place to type my thoughts as writing them is not easy for me. I deleted my space account today and I have a sense of freedom by doing so. I am in a battle and it's with me. I'm trying to recover from the end of a 13 year marriage and the beginning of what I know is the life I want to live. I know that my happiness harvests within me. I know if I am sad I can only change that by choosing to be happy. Most of my pain is self-inflicted and I'm not sure why I do it. Currently I am hopeful, PMS'ING, 150 lbs., spring cleaning and making changes. I feel like I can make the next step and allow what God has planned for me. I know He only has great things in store for me!